What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Watch.

I love that song, even though its way over played on the radio, just for the lyrics and more specifically the title:

WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER.

Life can be brutal sometimes, throwing things in every which way. People especially can be rude, thoughtless, selfish, etc. Even the world is starting to become a scary place. But through all this and all that has been going on lately I've found peace knowing "This too shall pass" and that from these times I'm just getting stronger.

You see, I'm the most competitive person you'll ever meet. Sometimes that is a positive thing, for example, when people challenge me or tell me I can't do something fuels me unlike anything else and I end up succeeding in something I may have never tried if they hadn't done that. But sometimes it isn't the best thing and has left it's mark and definitely shaped my personality.

I had a friend 'evaluate' me recently, telling me straight up what they thought of me i.e. things I was good at, things I needed to work on, how I reacted with situations, etc. I've never been more grateful for someone being bluntly honest before. It was humbling for sure. Out of all the many things they told me one stuck out in particular: "You need to let people in and help you"

It's true. It's not that I don't let people in because I don't trust them or whatever, I've been hurt and I've been heartbroken but I've always come out happier and stronger than before and I'm not afraid to put myself out there again and again because I believe that to not do so would be to empower the person who hurt you. That will be another post for another day..

But I don't let people in because I think that it's a weakness somehow to show that your not doing good and that it's just going to be a burden to someone else to have to help me or see my problems. And weakness of course is something that I fight because I am so competitive. I consider myself pretty confident but let's be honest, I'm still human and I'm very much a female, thus, I still have insecurities.

So here it is, this is my first step at opening up and by showing weakness hoping that that as well, becomes stronger.

I am insecure about how other people perceive themselves. I hate when people tell me that I'm too skinny and shove food at me because they don't feel confident with their body type. It actually hurts.

My greatest fear is to be unable to save my family from anything..thus, natural disasters are my greatest fear. I can step in front of a bullet, I can give blood, etc. but I can't stop a tornado or stop my house from falling down in an earthquake.

I hate rumors and gossiping. I can handle someone not liking me but when they go around to others (especially people I know) and tell them stories (true or untrue) about me it's like this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing they have a pre-conceived notion of me that may not be true so I automatically put up the walls.

I don't feel like I have been a good enough role model to a few people in my life and that hurts because I can't go back and change things.

I tease. It's just what I do but it can often be taken the wrong way and I'm trying to work on that. Sometimes I take it too far (just ask my siblings) or I say things that could've been worded better so if I've ever offended you, please forgive me. Just know, if I'm teasing you it means we're good friends.

Exception: if you start something first that has to do with hurting/taking bad about family and/or friends or if your just picking a fight (good example: byu and Utah, everyone loves to fight with me on that one) you are officially signing off that I am now allowed to let the filter go and I no longer take responsibility for hurt feelings. But lets be honest, we'll probably still be good friends.

Well that's all for now. That actually felt kinda good. Now, don't take this post in the wrong way. I'm not writing this for attention or to have someone give me compliments because like I said, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am just trying to become better by being open about weakness and accepting that so that I can work on those things. This was probably a lot of jibberish haha but thanks for reading.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by the greatest people my whole life. I have always had great friends who know me and let me be me even though I come with many quirks. I love people, I love learning about others and what made them the way they are so now I'm doing that in return by opening up and letting people do the same.

Hope everyone is having a great day :)

P.S.

if you didn't see my countdowns..see it here..there is now 6 days!!!!